Is bodybuilding a path to self-awareness?

You can't have wisdom without pain

This blog was never meant to be me proclaiming in any way to be an expert at any of these projects I have undertaken, but an opportunity to honestly share my experiences. Quite frankly with bodybuilding, I haven't got a clue. I am walking this path very much on my own. It is most certainly a journey. One that has seen the demise of my romantic relationship, eroded and rebuilt my sense of self over and over, reinforced good relationships, destroyed others and built a steely determination I didn't know existed in myself. It has exposed a raw vulnerability I usually will always protect and shield at all costs. Yet, in spite of all this, I have never felt so compelled to finish this journey. It has tested me unlike any other physical challenge and I feel even if I get up on stage looking like Shrek, the wisdom I have acquired will be worth it. Unfortunately, it most definitely comes at the cost of pain.

I know my journey won't be the same for others, but I thought it might be interesting to share some of the mental battles of doing a first time bodybuilding show.

Mind Control and Coping mechanisms

The range and enormity of moods and emotions I have experienced in the last few months is quite scary and can change multiple times over hours and minutes let alone days and weeks. I'd like to get this post completed in the next hour! so there is at least some consistency of thought process! A lot of this can be attributed to diet and fatigue but also the anxiety of doing something unknown that really pushes you. These things are always "evolving".


The requirements of bodybuilding prep, means....discipline. It also means that "normal" coping mechanisms for an "uncomfortable mind" are off limits! No comfort food, drugs, alcohol, partying.... of course there is TV for distraction or taking on extra work but I'm so tired from training I can't even manage to watch TOWIE! So the coping mechanism for unhealthy rumination is therefore to tackle it face on. I have found my coping mechanism is to learn to detach from emotions by practising mindful breathing. It is such a useful skill and just  allows you to focus on one thing - your breathing. It allows you to experience emotion and then sift the chaotic from the useful ones. Some emotions serve a purpose, they are there to tell you something. Others are quite frankly usually just nonsense -a response to an unreal fear.

Lessons learnt

The one lucky thing I have going for me in all of this, is my unfaltering motivation to do the show. It's not the self image that is the motivator, as you will never think you are perfect. I also don't think perfection is beautiful, but to complete a task that really tests your body and mind is something that will stay with you for a long time. I feel very lucky that this desire to want to complete this has never waned the whole way though.
Everyone's motivation will be slightly different and probably deeply personal but there will be lessons learnt along the way for every single person regardless, for every show.

A first-time show is essentially a giant experiment. Understanding how your body and mind responds to training and diet. I have had so many set backs through illness and overwhelming fatigue. Diets have gone wrong, too much, too little cardio can play havoc with achieving the right body composition. Bodybuilding is such a precise sport and these little things really matter. Everyone will have an opinion. I believe, listen to it all but in the end you have to take responsibility and choose wisely what you decide to implement. It's a constant, exhausting, steering and tweaking of progress and direction. The anxiety is overwhelming, because you foray so far into the unknown. I didn't expect it to be so consuming of my mental energy. I didn't expect a lot of things!
I will feel an immense sense of achievement when I get up on stage. I will not be thrilled with the posing or bikini wearing! but surviving any journey that has really really tested you, arms you with a sense of confidence that is unshakable - that belief you can survive anything. Physically, over the years I have trained my body to cope with pain and I'm grateful everyday, it does a wonderful job in and out of gym. This challenge is more about the mind. It has put me so far out of my comfort zone I have nothing else to compare it to. It has most definitely brought me to my knees, but I truly believe it will make me stronger too. For what is perceived to be such a "vain" sport, I think there is a huge pool of mental strength ebbing and flowing through the bodies of these competitors. I have every respect for them and the sport.